I Wish I Had Known

An open letter to my mother, on my first Mother's Day

Dear Mom, I am SO SORRY. I am sorry for the tantrums, the sass, the eye rolls, and the "I hate yous." I didn't know what I was doing to you at the time. I'm sorry for the frustration, the exhaustion, the tears, and the heartache. I didn't know; I wish I had known.

My journey through motherhood is still in its infancy (pun intended - your grandchild is just shy of 8 months old, after all), but it has opened my eyes. Mothering is a life changing, identity crisis inducing, mentally draining, never ending task. It is physical and emotional. It is breathtaking and boring. But hands down, without a doubt, that tiny human that smiles at me, cries for me, and clings to me is my greatest accomplishment. I didn't know the joy you've felt until I experienced it myself.

The love I feel for your grandchild is indescribable. It rises and swells from deep within my chest and washes over me, filling my eyes with tears and my lungs with un-breathable air. I look at him and I see perfection. How could he have come from me? There's no way I could have known what you felt about me before I felt it for him. I didn't know; I wish I had known.

I wish I knew how different you became when your own journey of motherhood began. The love and strength that manifests from every fiber of your being when you hold your own child creates a new, almost unrecognizable person. It creates a mother. I didn't know the metamorphosis you've undergone until I too had changed. 

I wish I knew how your body had changed while mothering. How it grew and stretched and physically housed a growing infant only to protect and comfort and emotionally house a growing child. I didn't know; I wish I had known.

As time moves forward, I will look back and wish I had known more. It's inevitable. Mothering is said to be a "thank-less" job, and it looks easy from the outside. But, I am no longer on the outside looking in. I have plunged head first into the deep end, and I am selflessly and wholeheartedly saying screaming: THANK YOU! 

I didn't know what you went through, and what you continue to go through as a mother. As my mother. But I'm trying to appreciate the moments I experience as a new mom - at the very least - so that I can appreciate the moments we shared together. I wish I had known what being a mother was like before I became one myself. I didn't know how important it all was before. I know now, and each day, I will know more.
With love.